I was in a restaurant in St.Petersburg with the close group of my friends when the questions of sexual fantasies popped up. Well, it didn’t just pop up. I have intentionally brought it up when the conversation started to die off, while the desire to spend more time together was still there. Once I introduced the subject, everybody’s spines straightened, eyes sparkled. I started with confessing my sexual fantasy and then shared how a take on evolutionary biology helped me stop being embarrassed about it.
One of my friends challenged me: “why would you even need an evolutionary biology explanation to accept yourself?” Well, that is just the way I am, I said. Rational, scientific explanations help me fight anxiety, accept myself and think of ways to turn my sex fantasy into a life experience. Something I did not dare of thinking prior finding out that my sex fantasy can be scientifically explained. I just happen to live with two voices in my head, one that speaks out of my deep feelings and most of the times feels irrational or downright crazy, and another one that only accepts rational, quantitative explanations. It is a constant struggle because most of the times the two voices in my head disagree.
Our dinner conversation picked up. My friend sounded so accomplished in her embracing of herself and I felt so callow and green with all my self-accepting struggles. Our conversation quickly spiraled into the subjects of diversity, social dynamics and whether nature defines us or we define nature. I tried to “call meeting to order” and asked my friend to share her sexual fantasy. She giggled and said she had been dreaming of sex with an octopus. I asked her to get back with me and share how it went, once she turns her sex fantasy into a life experience.
We then continued our over dinner debates and were up to our hips into the subjects of diversity, social dynamics and whether nature defines us or we define nature when my friend said: “You know what. I have just realized that the two voices in your head, the ones you were referring to, which often disagree…. In my head they don’t even talk to each other. I am simply not there yet…. “
When you bring up a controversial, touchy subject and expose your take on it, which may make you vulnerable, the first and the most eloquent reactions will come from people who “are simply not there yet…” Many of these reactions will patronize, criticize, shame or ridicule you. Hardly any of them will ever reach the phase of “I am simply not there yet….” But having these confessions happened to me feels like a true blessing. This is what keeps me going.
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